I Need a Hug

Maybe it's just the cold and the fact that our heating doesn't work very well; maybe it's that my meal plan for the day is soup-for-one and beer for eight, but I woke up this morning with a horrible sensation of ennui.  I can't even muster a proper fear-of-the-unknown and I stayed up all night reading ghost stories.

It's probably that damn Maslow Hierarchy of Needs again; now that I've gotten my professional life and my housing sorted, the next step is to get my social life together and I just can't seem to get over that wall.  Perhaps I never truly had it, but it appears that somewhere along the way I lost the ability to make new friends and not just acquaintances. 

Maybe I'll go get a cup of coffee and try to get back into the book I've been trying to read for the past month, maybe I'll make another futile trip downtown, just to feel like I've got traction again.  I should probably start by putting on pants. *sigh*

Due Date Film Review

Let me start by saying that while the initial commercials did not seem that great, I typically enjoy the antics of Zach Galifianakis (for the most part) and given Robert Downey Jr.’s recent spate of well-acted and entertaining films, I went into the theater with hopes that this would be on the level of Todd Phillips’ other movies, Old School and The Hangover. However, at one half-chuckle during the entirety of the 100 minute running time, Due Date has proven to be quite possibly the least funny “comedy” I’ve ever seen.

The film’s premise is that up-tight architect Peter Highman (Downey Jr.) needs to get from Atlanta to Los Angeles within a few days to be present for his wife’s C-section and the birth of his first child and this seemingly easy task is hindered by aspiring actor and all around boorish Ethan Tremblay (Galifianakis). Ethan’s annoying eccentricities and Asperger’s-like inability to understand even basic social conventions cause both him and Peter to be ejected from their flight and Peter is subsequently forced to drive cross-country with this wreck of a human-being to beat his deadline.

The pairing is clearly intended to be the classic square/slob cliché, where the slob learns to be a bit more responsible and the square learns to loosen up, but the characters are so fundamentally unrelatable and the duo so lacking in chemistry that this dynamic devolves into both actors being complete assholes to each other for most of the film. Several celebrity cameos (RZA, Matt Walsh, Juliette Lewis, Danny McBride and Jamie Foxx) provide welcome relief from watching these two unlikeable douchebags, but they are brief asides and add little value or insight to the characters or plot. Jamie Foxx’s role as Peter’s good friend (and potential cuckolder) was particularly inscrutable as the idea of an affair is completely dropped after about 10 minutes and no character gives it further thought, barring one 2-second attempt at a gag towards the end of the film.

Without giving away too much more of the plot, this movie quite literally has all the elements of a hilarious film, without any kind of consistent or rational thread to join them together; it’s as if the writers spent a weekend watching every comedy they could get their hands on, picked their favorite scenes and then jammed them every which-way into a road-trip script. To his credit, Todd Phillips mostly shies away from his typical gross-out humor (although there is a prolonged shot of a dog masturbating) in favor of the awkward, uncomfortable-silence type of comedy seen in The Office, but the slapstick portions that balance out the mix quite frankly aren’t silly enough to be funny and actively detract from the mirth of the situation; instead of laughing that Ethan’s “wackiness” results in their car crashing, I’m wincing that their car has been completely flipped and destroyed, breaking Peter’s arm and injuring the dog sidekick.

I was particularly baffled by the movie’s blatant tie-in with Two and a Half Men, but given that I don’t find one iota of that sitcom funny to any degree, perhaps I’m just completely outside the intended audience of this entire enterprise.

TLDR: There’s only one joke the entire film and it’s on the audience.

Frog's Wig

I wrote a story for the randomly generated question in the profile setup, but it was too large to post there, so it gets to be my first blog post!

"The children are waiting! Please tell them the story about the bald frog with the wig:"

Frog's Wig

A long time ago, when the world was new, Frog was a very different creature than he is today; he had lush, thick hair and could frequently be seen vainly strutting around the forest, proclaiming the beauty of his luxurious pompadour and denigrating the hairdos of the other forest denizens.  These poor creatures were sick to death of Frog's criticisms, but unfortunately, he was right; not one of them could match the plush verdance of his perfectly manicured coif. 

Now, in this age Rabbit's behind was as bare as the surface of the moon and Frog took particular malicious glee in poking fun at the barren waste on his rump.  One day, after a particularly snide remark, Rabbit decided it was time for Frog to get his comeuppance and crafted a plan to put him in his place.  He sent out word to all the creatures, great and small, that the Forest would host a beauty contest, to determine, which animal was the most hip; Frog, of course, entered immediately and cackled with glee at the thought of the fame his hair would have.  Soon, animals started arriving from all over the globe to participate and Frog cloistered himself, preening and prepping each individual follicle. 

The night before the contest, Rabbit stopped by to confirm Frog was ready for the big day and slyly invited him out for a drink, to toast to his success.  Never passing up an opportunity to belittle his favorite object of ridicule, Frog instantly agreed to a night out. However, amphibians absolutely cannot hold their liquor and pretty soon Frog was insensible and comatose.  Taking the advantage of this incapacitance, Rabbit carefully plucked every strand of hair from Frog’s head and departed to prepare his coup de grace for the contest.

The next morning, Frog awoke and, bleary-eyed and head pounding, stumbled back to his home to get ready for the contest; he noted how chilly it was, but put it down to the hangover.  He went to the bathroom to take shower but the instant he locked eyes with the mirror he realized that he was completely hairless; his pet, his beauty, his magnificent hairdo was gone!  Croaking in panic he hopped around his house frantically, trying to figure out what had happened and where he could come up with a pile of hair at such short notice; he certainly couldn’t back out now, after all the strutting and boasting he did.  Eventually, his eyes fell on the old mop in the kitchen; with all his products and skills, he could surely create a reasonable facsimile of his MIA mane, couldn’t he?

Soon, it was time for the contest and the competition was fierce!  There was Lion, taking time off from his scavenging to display his mighty neckbeard; Bear, showing off her cinnamon coat streaked red with berries; Hippo, having been dared to compete by Spider, shining his bald pate in the sun; haughty Penguin from Antarctica, waddling about in his evening jacket and monocle; Turtle, who decided to come out of his shell and of course, miserable Frog, trying to detract attention from his hidden shame.  After a parade down to the stage, the contest proceeded to the judging, with the crowd voicing their approval or disapproval for the animal on display.

One by one, the contestants’ worth was reviewed, until finally it was Frog’s turn.  He hopped up to the stage and carefully walked down the catwalk.  As he neared the tip of the stage, Rabbit suddenly came leaping out of the tree above and knocked Frog to the ground, dislodging his wig.  The crowd gasped in surprise as Frog stood up, displaying his baldness  . . . and then promptly exploded with laughter as Rabbit turned around and revealed what he had done with Frog’s wonderful hair: he had woven it into a poofy tail and was wearing it on his rump!

The animals howled with laughter as Frog ran away from the Forest and hid his shameful, hairless body in the Swamp.  He still sits there to this day, quietly plotting his revenge in the muck: “Rabbit, rabbit . . . “